by Svali

Ex-Illuminati Programmer

  1. A Day in the Life of Trainer

  2. Christmas in the Cult

  3. Interview with an Ex-Illuminati Programmer/Trainer Part 9 - Ritual Sacrifices The Illuminati

  4. Surviving Torture Surviving Torture

  5. Dealing With Threats

Back to Contents





A Day in the Life of Trainer
by Svali

*Trigger warning: This article contains graphic descriptions of cult activity. Please do not read it if you are triggered by reading these things. A lot of people have written and asked questions such as, “When did you go to meetings?” or “What about your children when you were in the group?”, and even “How did you divide the cult activity from your normal life?”


This article is an attempt to answer these questions and to better promote understanding of how dissociation works in the person who is cult active. This “day” is based on over 12 years of therapy, and is a collage based on several different memories of what life was like roughly seven years ago when I was still active in the San Diego group. Hopefully it will help those who are support people and therapists understand better how severe the amnesia is between cult activities and daily life, and will explain how a member of an abusive and occult cult can be a kind Christian person in their day life.


7:00 a.m. I wake up tired, as always. It seems as if tiredness dogs my steps even when I go to sleep early. I wake to the buzzing of the alarm clock, and get up. I am already dressed, because over the past two years my husband and I have started going to bed with our clothes on. We laugh and say it saves time dressing in the morning. I am in the uniform of every American housewife: baggy sweat pants and matching top, and tennis shoes with foam soles. I change into a nicer outfit for work.

I get my two children up and prepare breakfast, which is simple: cereal and toast. Afterwards they prepare for school, and I drive them to the small Christian school that they attend. I am the teacher for first grade there; my daughter is in fifth grade. I have a nagging headache that I ignore as we arrive at the school.

8:45 a. m. School starts. I teach first, second, and third grade at a multigrade Christian school that my children attend. Before this, I had home schooled my children for several years. I was asked to substitute at this school when one of the regular teachers left, and soon was asked to teach fulltime. I enjoy teaching and I multitask well; I go from first grade to second to third, giving each activities to do. I have lesson plans set up for the whole semester. I am considered a kind and patient teacher; the kids like me and I like them, although I wish the headaches would go away. Sometimes by the end of the day, they are intense.


3:30 School is out. My daughter has invited a friend home to play, so I remind them all to buckle up for the drive home. I am tired, but I also realize that it’s important that my children have an opportunity to reach out. I worry sometimes at their tendency to withdraw, and encourage them to have friends over. We practice riding our horse in the penned field in our back yard. My son comments, “Gee, Mom, you’re a lot nicer to me at home than when you’re my teacher,” and I laugh and say, “That’s because I don’t want to play favorites at school.”

5:30 I drive the friend home. Dinner is in the oven. At this point, my day has been exactly that of any other person who is not DID or in a cult group. This is because my presenters, or day people, have been out. They are kind, caring, Christian, and completely unaware that there is another life that I live. If you stopped me at this point and asked, “Are you involved in any activities at night?” I would have absolutely no idea of what you were talking about. I was created specifically to look, act, and be normal in every way during the day. You could follow me around all day to this point, and there would be absolutely no indication that I lead another life at times. The only hint is the headaches, and occasional bouts of unexplained depression that I can’t seem to shake. I have had both all of my life.


6:30 My husband comes home and we all eat dinner. He and I have a good friendship, although we are distant in some ways: he lives his life and I live mine. We rarely argue or even disagree openly. I help the children with homework while he works on a business plan for a client.


7:45 A call comes, and when I pick up the phone, someone says, “Is Samantha there?” This is one of my code names, and I immediately switch. “Call back in a little,” I tell them. “Fifteen minutes,” the voice says. I send the kids upstairs to take their baths.


8:00 The call comes again. “Samantha?” I instantly change. My voice goes flat, and I reply in a wooden voice. “Yes, what is it?” “Remember to bring the items we discussed tonight,” I am told. I then recite a key code to this person, who is the head trainer, that ensures that I will remember his message. I hang up after he does.


8:30 I read my children a bed time story. They are very, very afraid of the dark even at six and ten years of age, and insist that a light stays on in their room all night. As the evening progresses, they become more and more anxious. “Mom, I’m afraid,” my daughter tells me. “Of what?” I ask. “I don’t know,” she answers. She says this a lot, and I worry about my overly sensitive and anxious young daughter. Deep inside, I feel that these fears aren’t normal, and that there is something wrong, but I don’t know why. My husband tells me I worry too much, and that our daughter picks it up from me. I stay with both children until they fall asleep. This is our nightly routine, and I feel it is the least I can give them.


9:30 I get ready to go to bed. I have to get ten to twelve hours of sleep a night, or I am completely exhausted. Many times, I fall asleep reading to my two children. Just before falling asleep, I say to my husband, “Remember” and give him the code that lets us know we have to wake up later. He replies in German that he remembers.

1:00 am. My husband wakes me up. He and I take turns being the one to wake up the others. We don’t need an alarm, because our internal body clocks wake us up. I am in my sweats, I fell asleep dressed to make it easier when I rise in the middle of the night. I am finally me, I can come out now and see the outside world, not locked inside as I am during the day. “Get the kids,” he says in a low tone. I go upstairs and tell them, “Get ready, now.” They are up instantly, completely obedient which is very different from during the day. Quickly, silently they put their shoes on and I take them down to the car. My husband drives, I am in the passenger seat. He drives with the headlights off until we are on the road so we won’t wake our neighbors up. We live in the country on a dirt lane and there are few houses to worry about. My job is to keep alert, looking for anyone following us, to alert him if anyone is coming. Once we are down the road and turn onto the paved road, he turns the headlights on and we go to the meeting. “I didn’t finish my homework,” my son says. My husband and I turn briefly to him, enraged. “We don’t talk about day at night, EVER!” we remind him.” Do you want to be beaten?” He looks hurt, then the rest of the drive is in silence, the children looking out the windows of the car as we glide silently to our destination.

1:20 am We are at the first checkpoint at the military base. We drove in the back entrance and are waved through, the lookouts recognize our car and our license plates. They would stop anyone who wasn’t familiar or authorized to be there. We will pass two more checkpoints before coming to the meeting area. It is at a large field on a major marine base that includes hundreds of acres. Small tents are erected, and temporary bases set up for the night’s exercises. We come either here, or to one of three different meeting places, three times a week.

People are chatting and drinking coffee. There are a lot of friendships here, because everyone is working towards the same goal. The work is intense and the friendships are just as intense. I join a group of trainers, who I know well. “Looks like Chrysa is missing,” I say. “I bet the lazy b--- couldn’t get out of bed.” I am very different at night. I use words that would horrify me during the day, and I am very catty and mean. The others laugh. “She was late two weeks ago, too,” says another. “Maybe we will need to REPORT her.” He is joking, but partly serious. No one is allowed to be late, or sick. Or too early, either. There is a ten minute window of time when all members are supposed to report to meetings. If not, then they are punished if there isn’t a good excuse. High fevers, surgery, or an auto accident are considered excuses. PMS, fatigue, or the car not working aren’t. We drink coffee to stay awake, since even our dissociated state doesn’t stop the body’s protest at being awake in the middle of the night after a full day’s activities. I go to the tent to change into my uniform. We all wear uniforms at night, and we all have ranks too, based on how high we are in the group and how well we do.

1:45 am We start going to our assigned tasks. I have brought the log books with me, the “item” that I was asked to remember. I keep them hidden in a closet at home, locked in a steel box. These books contain data about different “subjects” that we have been working on. I go to the head trainer’s room inside a nearby building. I work with him, since I am the second trainer under him. He and I despise each other, and I suspect he would love to undermine me since I have made many cruel jokes at his expense. I am supposed to be afraid of him, and I am, but I also cannot respect him, and he knows it. I point out his mistakes to him, in front of others, and he often tries to get back at me.

1:50 am The room inside the warehouse-like building is set up to work on the subjects. It has a table, a light, and equipment. The room is apart from the activities going on outside, so that others will not be distracted by what we do here.

The subject is there, ready to be worked on. Another, younger trainer is there to help, and I tell her to administer the medication. We are working on medications to help induce hypnotic states, and are studying the effects of these medications, combined with hypnosis and trauma. The medication is injected subcutaneously, and then we wait. Within ten minutes, the subject is drowsy and his breathing is slower and heavier, but his eyes are open which is what we want. (I will not describe the rest of the session here, it is too painful for me to describe at this time. I believe that human experimentation is cruel and should be stopped, but the group that I was in did it on a continuous basis). We record information in the logbook throughout the session, and I have a laptop computer into which I am putting the information as well.


We are profiling not just the medication, but also this person’s individual response. We have profiles that are very complete and thorough on this person, started when he was an infant. I can pull up a special profile that tells me everything about him: his favorite colors, foods, sexual preferences, soothing techniques, and a list of all the codes that will elicit a response from him. There is also a diagram of his internal world that has been created over the years. This subject is easy to work with and things go quickly. I correct the young trainer at one point, when she starts to do something too soon. “You have to learn patience,” I chide her in German. At night, we all talk German, it and English are the two ligua francas in this group. “I’m sorry, I thought it was time,” she says. I then teach her the signs to look for when the subject is ready. This is why I am a head trainer. I train the younger ones, because after years and years, I know human anatomy, physiology, and psychology inside out. Luckily, I caught this young trainer before she made the mistake; if she had made one, I would have had to punish her.

At night, mistakes aren’t accepted, ever. Once a child is two or three, they are expected to perform correctly, or they are brutalized. This continues into adulthood.


2: 35 The session is almost over and the subject is recovering. The medication is quick acting and he will recover in time to drive home. I leave him in the care of the younger trainer and go to the coffee room to take a break. There I smoke a cigarette and having coffee with the other trainers. During the day, I have never smoked and coffee makes me ill, but here, at night, it is completely different.

“How’s your night going?” Jamie, a friend, asks. I only know her as Jamie, it isn’t her real name, but we all go by our nicknames at night. She is also one of the teachers at the school during the day, but we aren’t friends there. “Slow. I had to correct another stupid kid,” I say. I am not kind at night, because no one has ever been kind to me. It is a very dog- eat-dog and political atmosphere where the cruel win. “How about you?” I ask. She grimaces. “I had to march some brats around”, she says, referring to military exercises with children ages 8 to 10. Every night there are military exercises, because the group is preparing for the eventual takeover. The children are divided into groups by age, and different adults take turns teaching. We chat for a few minutes, and then go back to our “jobs”.


2: 45 This is a short session. It is a “tune up” for a member who is one of the military leaders. I take his profile out and review it before starting. The head trainer and one other trainer are working with me. The hypnotic induction goes quickly, and he remembers his programming. It is reinforced with shock, and we check through all parameters. They are all active and in place. I sigh with relief. This was an easy one, and he doesn’t fight us. Afterwards, I am soothing and kind. “You did well, “ I tell him. Inside a little trickle in my stomach revolts at the use of brutality to teach. He nods, still slightly dazed from the session. “You can be proud of yourself,” I tell him, and pat his hand. He is given his reward afterwards, and spends time with a child. He is a pedophile and this is how he is comforted after his session.


3:30 We have changed out of our uniforms, which are placed in a special hamper to be cleaned. My clothes, which were neatly folded on a shelf are back on, and we are all in the car on the way home. My daughter speaks. “I get promoted next week,” she says, her voice proud. “They said I did really well in the exercises tonight.”

She knows that I and the other adults will be at the ceremony to honor the promotions. “I’m glad,” I tell her. I am weary for some reason. Usually, I would be glad, but tonight, although it was a routine night, was hard. I have been feeling little cold trickles inside me lately, twinges of terror. Sometimes, I hear a child inside, deep inside, screaming, and I sweat as I work on children or adults. And I wonder how long I can keep doing this. I have heard of trainers who broke down or couldn’t do their job, and I also heard whispered stories of what happened to them. It was the essence of nightmares, and I shove down my own anxiety.


4:00 am We are home and collapse into bed, instantly asleep. The children fell asleep before we got home, and my husband and I carried them to bed. We all sleep dreamlessly and deeply.

7:00 am I wake up to the alarm, tired. It seems I am always tired, and this morning I have a slight headache. I hurry to get the kids up and get ready to teach another day. I wonder if there is something wrong with me, since I seem to need more and more sleep and still wake up tired. I have no idea that the night before, I was up and living my other life. It may seem unbelievable to some readers that a person can live another life and have absolutely no idea, but this is the nature of amnesia. If programming is done correctly, it is almost undetectable and the person will be completely amnesic to their other activities. This is called dissociation, and it is present in most members of abusive, generational cult groups such the one I describe.

To Top




Christmas in the Cult
Author: Svali
Published on: December 23, 2001
Related Subject(s): Adult child abuse victims -- Psychology , Ritual abuse victims -- Psychology , Christmas -- Psychological aspects

Christmas is a time when people think warmly of family gathered around the Christmas tree, sharing laughter as presents are opened and sleepy-eyed children excited see what Santa has brought. Adults share egg nog and cheer, and happy traditions are followed. But for the child raised in a generational satanic cult, Christmas has a very different meaning. In the daytime, the normal activities of shopping for presents and going to parties occurs, and the family may have a large “warm” gathering of its members in the day. But at night, things are quite different. The child who in the daytime looks forward to Santa and presents under the day, quakes with terror at the thought of what will come at night.

The winter solstice occurs on December 21, and this is one of the highest pagan/celtic holidays, since the “New Year” begins after this date for the cult. Special ceremonies are planned to ensure the coming of a new year filled with power, and the return of the sun’s lengthening days (many occult ceremonies are also based on ancient sun deity worship).


Added to this is the Christian holiday in celebration of Christ’s birth, which the occult group despises, and special ceremonies are planned to desecrate and twist the meaning of this day. For many families in the occult, the whole week from December 21 to December 26 is filled with activities, since family members are naturally gathered together, and there is no need to explain missed days from school for the children.

The cruelty surrounding Christmas and the solstice is intense. Children are often abused by cult members dressed as Santa; or a mocking of the nativity occurs with the end result that “Herod” succeeds in slaying the baby Jesus (with ritual murder of an infant occurring). The child may be sexually abused under a Christmas tree, and paraphernalia of the holiday are given a new and dark meaning.

Instead of a celebration of birth, Christmas for the child raised in a cult family becomes a time of horror and death. Programming may occur, with images associated with the holiday implanted, and the child told that seeing these images (such as a lighted Christmas tree, or nativity scene) will mean contact with “family” or other messages placed in under trauma. Children (and adults) may receive presents with hidden meanings that remind them of Christmas past and the trauma that is meant to bind them to “family”. A mock “holiday feast” may occur, but instead of egg nog and ham, the meal is gruesome.

These are just a few of the associations that occur in the dissociated alters of the child raised in a cult family, and why many survivors feel a mixture of anticipation and fear when the holidays come around. Added to this, once the child grows up, intense efforts by cult family members to recontact will occur during these holiday times at which all family members are expected to be present.

Panic and anxiety can occur for the adult survivor on these anniversary dates of intense trauma and rituals, and they may wonder why a holiday that is associated with good cheer for them means the desire to hide and cower. It can help if the survivor learns for themselves where the panic is coming from, and which triggers were placed in. This usually will occur in therapy, or from journaling.

If a survivor has stopped contact with family members, then receives a flood of Christmas cards or gifts, they should be cautious, and aware that these items could be intensely triggering. A desire to “call and recontact” family members will often be awakened as a result, and the survivor will need to work through this in therapy.

Child alters often hold the most horrific memories, and listening to them, allowing them to process their trauma and fears in therapy, journaling, and art work can also help.

Creating new holiday traditions that feel safe can also help. Some survivors celebrate Christmas by doing things very differently than their family of origin to help reinforce that they are able to break free of all the traditions that their family held. And having outside support and safety help most of all during this time. Christmas is an especially difficult time for many survivors. But as adults, survivors can choose to break free from the traumatic meanings it once held, and to create a safe Christmas for themselves.


To Top



Interview with an Ex-Illuminati Programmer/Trainer

Part 9 - Ritual Sacrifices The Illuminati

Exclusive Interview with an Ex-Illuminati Programmer/Trainer
Part 9 - Ritual Sacrifices - Demons- Shape Shifting

Q: Svali, earlier on you talked about sacrifices. You are talking about animal sacrifices, right? Give me a bit more details about that, please.

A: I hate to sensationalize things by going into gruesome particulars, but I will share a little.

First, please remember that the Illuminati have SIX branches of learning, and the spiritual (where the sacrifices are done) is only ONE part of what they do. I was in Sciences, and used to make fun of people who specialized in spiritual. Yes, everyone has to go to spiritual rituals during certain high days, but I tried to stay as far from it as I could. It's ugly, crude, and gross, but considered important.

1. The celtic branch of spiritual believes that power is passed at the moment between life and death. They will do rituals with children, or even older adherents, where the person is tied down, and an animal is bled to death on top of them. The belief is that the person receives power from the departing spirit, which "enters" the person. It is also highly traumatizing and horrible to have an animal go through its death throes on top of you. Throw in a few threats that "this will happen to you if you ever tell," and a quite strong impression is made on small children.

2. Opening portals and dimensions: I know, this sounds like stuff from a sci-fi film, but these people really believe that there are other spiritual dimensions, and that to pass into them, first a major sacrifice is done to "open a portal", usually several animals. I have also seen animal sacrifices done to protect from the demonic, or blood used to "close a circle" so the demonic cannot penetrate it.

The Illuminists very much believe in the spiritual realm, and have codified practiced over hundreds of years from ancient occultic rituals. They believe they can control these powers (I believe they are deluded).

Sacrifices are also done on high holy days. I have seen an animal "psychically killed" in front of me, and have no way to explain what I saw. I have also seen human sacrifice, but these were very rare (I believe I have seen two or three real ones in my life, the rest were set-ups).

They really don't want to kill off their children, they want a new generation to grow up and continue the practices. I have also heard of them buying children from other countries, and using them, or the homeless, but never witnessed it myself.

More often, I saw animals used in sacrifices and rituals. Other loss of life, rare but horrible, I saw as a head trainer because of my job. Rarely, a trainer would push a person too far, and didn't check for signs of stress. Especially with some of the newer medications used to create trance states, their meds covered the more obvious signs of trauma and stress (elevated heart rate, rapid breathing, tremors, pupil size changing), or blunted them.

Inexperienced trainers would miss more subtle signs, and basically screw a person up. It is horrible to work with a person, and they NEVER COME BACK. They become a vegetable, or worse, they scream and scream for hours without end.

We occasionally had to "put down" these training failures, by using a lethal injection of air, or insulin. The person was then set up in a "fatal crash" or "fire" to dispose of the body. May God forgive me for the few times this happened and I was forced to act. I so regret it now. A person cannot be kind or sympathetic. And, the trainer always knows that it could be them next on the table, screaming, so they do their jobs well.

Any failures are heavily punished, to say the least. One of my jobs was teaching younger trainers the masking effects of hypnotic drug combinations, and how to recognize subtle clues of distress. Sigh.

Do the failures count as "sacrifices" to a horrible evil that is perpetrated on others? I think so, even though there was no ritual about it at all, it was all done in a training room with lab coats and needles.

Q: Svali, I have to ask you this: There are stories floating around on the internet about the Illuminati (and other agencies) being run by extra-terrestrials, ET's, in particular a reptilian race, operating from a higher dimension. Any thoughts on that?

A: My answer will probably cause a lot of anger, and it's not meant to step on any toes. Here it goes.

I have never seen an alien or extraterrestrial. I have seen some programming to make people THINK they saw aliens, as a cover story for programming, if they remembered. None of the head trainers I knew, or others on leadership council, believed in aliens, although I never asked them.

I personally believe that the reptilian stuff is actually the demonic at work. I have seen shape-shifting and other stuff because of demonic influence (okay, so here some will say, gee, she believes in demons, that's as far out as aliens).

Well, this is what the Illuminati certainly believe in. They KNOW there are spiritual realities, and think they can control them. Those of a more cynical bent would say the shape shifting was a drug induced hallucination and group hysteria in the context of a ritual setting. I will let each reader decide based on their personal comfort zone. But no, absolutely no reptiles or aliens seen in Washington, DC, or San Diego, Ca. as of 5 years ago, at least I never saw them.

To Top

Surviving Torture Surviving Torture
Author: Svali
Published on: January 14, 2001
*Important note: this article discusses abuse and torture. Please do not read if these topics are triggering.

Surviving Torture

I was four years old, and strapped to a chair. My arms, wrists, and feet had padded straps that immobilized them, and my neck and head were in a device that prevented movement. The woman came over to me, speaking German in a low, harsh voice. When I didn't respond correctly, she came closer to me, her angry face poised just above my terrified one. Slowly, methodically, she took the cigarette that dangled from her lips, and moved it towards my thigh, which was bare. She held the cigarette there as I screamed. The woman was my mother, and the small round scar is there to this day.

This is one of the most difficult subjects that I have written on, but any discussion of ritual abuse is incomplete without addressing it. It is a topic that is not popular, one that many would rather avoid. One that is glossed over in discussions of ritual abuse with words like "dysfunction", "trauma", "pain", or "abuse". But for the child growing up in a satanic or Luciferian cult group, there is only one word that describes the reality of what they experienced. That word is torture.

Children in these groups are the victims of physical, psychological, and sexual torture in its most extreme forms, and must learn to cope with this overwhelming reality. They must deal with the reality that the people torturing them are their parents, their grandparents, their aunts, uncles, cousins, and siblings, and the aftermath of shame and betrayal. This article is a look at the effects of torture on the person who experiences it.

The Canadian Center for Victims of torture has a list of the psychological
symptoms that occur in the aftermath of torture, which includes: "anxiety, depression, irritability, paranoia, guilt, suspiciousness, sexual dysfunction, loss of concentration, confusion, insomnia, nightmares, impaired memory, and memory loss. "


These symptoms occur as the individual struggles with the rage of the violation of their rightful boundaries, either physical or psychological. The nightmares are the unconscious seeking to resolve the hideous pain of this trauma; the suspiciousness and paranoia occur because the basic trust in humankind has been irrevocably broken. The person who has undergone and survived torture will never be the same again. Memory loss occurs as the psyche desperately attempts to block the horrors that the individual underwent, usually by dissociation or other blocking mechanisms, internally. The author goes on to state:

"Survivors of torture are often unwilling to disclose information about their experiences. They may be suspicious, frightened, or anxious to forget about what has happened. These feelings may discourage them from seeking the help they need. "

This article was written for medical personnel dealing with victims of torture under totalitarian regimes in South America and other countries, but the symptoms are the same for the survivor of ritual abuse. The individual often blames him /herself for the torture, especially if it occurred in early childhood. Torture creates a deep sense within the person that something is wrong with them, something that causes others to hurt them or abuse them. Advice to caregivers is given:

"For example, it is important to remember that those seeking psychiatric help are healthy people who have been systematically subjected to treatment intended to destroy their personalities, their sense of identity, their confidence, and their ability< to function socially."

How often survivors of ritual abuse struggle against the very same things. Often they are bright, competent, high functioning people who would be considered gifted, but the destruction of self is so damaging, that only in rare cases will the person be able to reach their potentially socially or emotionally. The survivor of torture may fear medical procedures:

"Doctors (whom they may have encountered in prison advising the torturers about how much abuse the victim could endure or how to cause maximum pain without killing the victim) ."

Cult doctors perform this very function, and also will use their medical skills to repair the damage done after an especially intense session.

"Physicians need to understand that surgical and examination instruments and procedures may be those used in torture, so all procedures should be carefully explained. Some treatments, such as physiotherapy, need to be conducted with special awareness of possibly lower pain thresholds. "

Ritual abuse victims commonly report intense fear around medical pocedures and exams for this very reason. "Survivors of torture and their families may also lose some of the values and beliefs that may have sustained them before they went through trauma. They may be unable to trust people and, consequently, become disillusioned."
One of the universal struggles that survivors of ritual abuse and torture report is difficulty in the arena of trust and intimacy.


Even for those who escape cult abuse, a pervasive fear of being abducted, reaccessed, or being returned to their abusers will instill mistrust in others. Only those who demonstrate over time their safety and trustworthiness will be allowed into the often small circle of those that the survivor trusts. "Dr. Philip Berger, one of the founders of CCVT, has stated that when he began to conduct education on torture among those from the medical profession in 1977, he was met with disbelief. He was told that torture probably existed somewhere and was conducted sometime, but not to any significant degree that would require a specialized response.


This denial works on many levels. Torture is a barbarous practice, one which most people would prefer to avoid. This avoidance occurs on at least three levels: denial on the part of the victim; denial on the part of the helper; and denial on the part of society as a whole. It is the extent of this denial which allows both the practice of torture and its effects to continue and endure.

If this is true about documented torture of the victims of totalitarian regimes around the world, how much more pervasive is the disbelief and denial about the ongoing torture of innocent children that occurs in occultic groups. Society often practices a complete avoidance of this topic, or a denial that it could occur, because to acknowledge it would mean leaving the "comfort zone" that most people live in.

The challenge of healing for the individual who has endured a lifetime of torture is that of: Acknowledging the feelings, including rage, which occur Acknowledging the learned helplessness that it caused Fighting the deep internal resistance to remembering, or acknowledging, what happened (not all events need to be remembered fully, but some acknowledgement of what occurred is an important part of healing and integration) Learning that the survivor is no longer helpless to change Learning that it was NOT the survivor's fault (survivors will often carry a low self image in response to torture)


Learning to undo messages given under torture, and replace them with the truth Learning to overcome the fear induced by torture, to challenge old system of belief and old ways of acting Realizing that it wasn't God's fault (many survivors struggle with this at some point, asking why He allowed the torture to occur, or why THEY were the ones who had to go through it) Forgiving those who tormented the survivor (only after going through the steps above) Acknowledging the past, and then looking forward to a better now.


Torture often leaves lasting marks, both physical and psychological, on the survivor, but with time and support, it is possible to heal. One aspect of healing is becoming aware of the lasting effects of torture, which is only now beginning to be documented in the medical literature, recognizing these symptoms if they occur, and taking steps towards alleviation and healing of the underlying causes.

Another aspect of healing will come as survivors of this extreme form of abuse become empowered to speak out, and as society overcomes its denial of what is occurring and begins to take action to stop the abuse that is occurring.

To Top


Dealing With Threats
Author: Svali
Published on: May 8, 2002
elated Subject(s): Threats , Ritual abuse victims , Ritual abuse victims -- Anecdotes

I am at work, and one of my responsibilities as office manager is to answer the phone. In this age of privacy, almost one fourth of my customers have 'private' or 'caller unknown' as their identification on my caller i.d. machine. So I think nothing of answering the call identified as 'caller unknown'. ''Why aren't you dead yet?'' the voice asks, then hangs up. I sit there, feeling as if I have been kicked in the stomach. It hurts most because the call comes from a source close to me: my mother, a leader in the group that I left, who is very angry with me for my decision. Apparently she would rather have her child dead than out, and this hurts. One of the issues that most survivors leaving an abusive cult must face is that of receiving threats from the group. These threats can take various forms, including:

-Hang up calls. These can occur in sequences meant to trigger a survivor, or else the cult escapee may be literally flooded with dozens of hang up calls, one after another. The message is obvious: the calls communicate to the survivor silently that the cult knows where they are. -Phone threats: these are verbal messages meant to intimidate and harass. For instance, when I first considered leaving the cult, I got a phone call from San Diego. There was a baby crying in the background, then the sound of a young child screaming. The caller, a man, then said, ''Isn't it nice to know that your children are still alive?'' My children were in San Diego, living with my husband, and I was being told that there safety depended on my decisions. -Accessing calls: these are similar to the hang up calls, but when the survivor answers, tones are played, music may be played, or a name spoken which is meant to trigger an alter to come out. For instance, the person calling may ask, '' Is Karen there?'' This is an alter created in the person who is supposed to be triggered out. If for some reason the alter is not triggered out (i.e. the survivor is working in therapy to break this programming) then the caller will say, ''I'm sorry, I have a wrong number.'' This makes it sound innocent, but a survivor should be suspicious if there are 50 'wrong numbers' in the period of a day or two.

Phone threats and messages are the first level of threats that a survivor will face. But if for some reason they anger individuals in the group, or if the group wants the survivor back badly enough, then the next level of threat can occur. This is abduction and harming the survivor. I should know. This happened to me two months ago, and is one reason I have not posted here as frequently in the past weeks. But I also refuse to be intimidated by this group, and so am choosing to speak out in spite of what happened. When the group believes that they are truly losing control over the survivor, they may step up their efforts beyond phone threats. Instead, they will look for a time when the survivor is alone and vulnerable. Or, they will call and trigger out an alter, and tell them to meet a 'friend'. This is often done to littles, who are trusting, and keep hoping that they will receive love or a 'treat' from those they look up to. Once the person is lured or found alone, then abduction is usually easy for the cult to do. The person will be forced into a van, or vehicle. They may be driven to a house, or the abuse may occur in the back of a van with windows drawn.

These people are able to brutalize quickly and swiftly in a small space, and have the equipment with them when they make a ''call''. The victim will be told things such as 'You haven't been doing your job', or other threats. Their internal programming will then be reinforced, with torture or even rape as punishment for disobedience. The victim will be gagged during the punishment to prevent others from hearing what is occurring. This will also usually occur in an isolated area, far from houses or intrusions. The victim will then be returned to a nearby area, or to their car, and told to ''remember what they learned''. When it happened to me recently, I was told, ''See how easy it is to find you? Think about your children, and how easy it would be to do the same to them.''

What Can Be Done I immediately reported the abduction and abuse to my therapist, my husband, and my pastor. I considered calling the police, but wondered how they would receive the following: ''I was abducted by a man who I don't know in a cream colored van with a temporary license plate, so it probably isn't the real one. He used a halt command on me given to him by my mother and my trainer from San Diego, since they are the only two who know this, that's why I didn't fight him when he tied me up. He shocked me, so there are no bruised, and sexually abused me with an instrument, so there's no semen.'' He wore gloves the whole time, so there are no fingerprints. I blocked this all out for five days, and just remembered it today.'' My husband, pastor, and therapist all felt the police would probably not follow up on this report, so I didn't file it. But what happened also shows how careful those who threaten and abuse are to cover their tracks and to make identification difficult.

At the same time, I am taking steps to be safer.

1) Don't be alone: I am being especially accountable for my time, and don't drive in isolated areas.

2) I have quit answering 'unknown caller' calls at work. Instead, I told my boss that I have been receiving harassing calls from unknown callers, and will only take calls that are identified and with a number.

3) I am working hard in therapy to look at how I was triggered, the codes that were used, and how, and to undo them. I am also dealing with the immense amount of panic and suicidality that this incident caused, which was the first clue that something HAD happened. I have been calming down littles, and reminding older parts inside that they don't have to believe lies or do what these people tell them.
4) I have asked for help, which is very difficult for me, from my support system, including my church and my husband and children. Their encouragement, prayers, and help has made a huge different to me. They told me to be silent. I refuse to. They told me not to tell. I refuse to agree with them. They told me I'm not 'doing my job'. I plan to continue to not doing it, because they aren't my owners, and have no right to tell me what to do. Only by breaking the power of the lie, can a survivor break free of the control of these people. And this is my goal: to become, and to stay, free.

To Top