I think there are two reasons that people aren't as "zesty" as
they could be. One reason is that they have acquired
misinformation about the emotion of shame. The second is that
they don't have enough information about shame.
Why is accurate information about shame so important? Because
unnecessary shame creates so much pain in our lives.
In the words of one
of our contemporary scholars of shame, Gershen Kaufman,
"Shame is the
most disturbing experience individuals ever have about
themselves; no other emotion feels more deeply disturbing
because in the moment of shame the self feels wounded from
within."
Misinformation about shame
Here's an example of misinformation about shame:
One client of mine
was so confused that in the beginning of our work I could not
even use the word 'shame' in session without causing a major
rift.
We learned that she
thought that if she FELT shame, that meant she had actually DONE
something shameful, and that her whole self was shameful.
When I talk about shame, I'm not talking about anyone actually
DOING anything wrong. I'm talking about the FEELING and the
thoughts that we are somehow wrong, defective, inadequate, not
good enough, or not strong enough.
Lack of information about shame
While everybody feels shame, most of us don't recognize it in
its many forms.
We can experience
fleeting shame at burping loudly in an elevator. Or we can feel
chronic shame, experiencing that we, as a whole person, are
flawed and inferior. We can feel different intensities of shame.
The most intense is humiliation.
Humiliation is so
painful that we can think,
"This is so
painful I wish I could just die!"
We didn't know it
until fairly recently, but infants are born hard-wired with the
ability to experience shame.
Here is an example
of a scene that shows an infant's response to feeling shame.
Baby is sitting on
the kitchen counter in his infant seat. Mom steps out of the
room for a minute. When Mom starts walking back into the room,
Baby hears Mom's steps, and anticipates making joyful eye
contact with her when she gets back.
But this time Mom is preoccupied, and when she comes back into
the room, she does not meet Baby's eyes. The muscles in his neck
then lose their strength, and his head drops down. He turns his
face away from her, his eyes are cast downward and he may even
drool.
This is
shame/humiliation. Mom did not meet his high interest; she did
not make the connection. Baby's shame is the result.
Ways we may experience shame
I've listed below some variations of shame. We may not recognize
some of the ways shame shows up. Each is different-both in what
we think caused the experience and in what we think the
consequences will be.
But they are all
shame experiences.
Shyness is
shame in the presence of a stranger
Discouragement is shame about temporary defeat
Embarrassment is shame in front of others
Self-consciousness is shame about performance
Inferiority
is all-encompassing shame about the self
Common triggers for shame
Shame is commonly triggered by the following:
Basic
expectations or hopes frustrated or blocked
Disappointment or perceived failure in relationships or
work
In
relationships, any event that weakens the bond, or
indicates rejection or lack of interest from the needed
other
You've probably
heard the phrase,
"What you feel,
you can heal."
We have learned much
about what is needed to work through and release shame.
Recognition of our feeling of shame is the first step to
mastering our shame reactions.
And mastering our
shame enhances our zestiness.
An exercise to help recognize shame
Describe in writing a specific incident from childhood in which
you felt shame.
Record what thoughts
went with your feelings. Write the feelings and thoughts that
you had during the incident. And those you had afterwards. What
impulses did you have? Did you want to move towards others, or
to move against them, or to move away from them?
Notice, if possible, where you felt the shame in your body. If
the feeling had a color what would it be? What sound, color,
texture, and temperature would it have?
Lastly, write down how you think that shame scene still
influences you today. The impact can be either something you
like or something you don't like.
An additional aid
I have been discussing how you can begin to manage your shame
reactions while working alone.
You can also manage
your shame reactions by keeping your relational bonds strong. In
any relationship there are bound to be conflicts of needs.
And when you can
communicate lovingly while you are in conflict, it helps reduce
shame inducing reactions.